So this is my first blog i have done and well this is going to be hard. I'm not the best at letting my feelings out id rather keep them to myself to save hurt to anyone but i have no other way to express it right now.
My eating disorder could have been started from the age of 4. Yes 4 as a way to let my stress out i used to make myself sick i mean what 4 year old does that but hey that 4 year old was me. I have never had a good relationship with my dad ever since i was little and well i guess this is part of the reason i am where i am today. Controlled by ED. My dad has always been a very controlling man, he had to control everything from little things like making sure we haven't left any televisions on if we aren't in the room or leaving a light on but one thing he could not control was what went in my mouth, my eating.
As i grew up my relationship with my father didnt change if not it got worse we would have fights and hurt each other physically and emotionally, one thing i always held on to was the word "FAT". All children have puppy fat at some age however mine didn't see to go as quickly as i wanted.
Back in 2008 i heard that Beyonce lost 2 stone in a matter of 2 weeks, i couldnt think of anything better if it worked for her it would surely work for me.
However the diet wasn't that easy; living of maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper & water might as well be called starvation! How could Beyonce live off this for 2 weeks.... Oh she didn't. The media didnt tell you that she also had protein shakes to keep her health up.
After doing the diet on and off for a few months giving up normally by the night time and eating i went from size 14 to size 10.
But it didnt stop there.
At the start of 2009 i finally couldnt take much more with being fat so i pulled myself together and did it properly, it was horrible i could barely drink it that i started to just starve myself and have nothing but diet coke and the off weight watchers yogurt my weight plummeted within a few months i was size 6-4 with alot more than i bargained for. ED.
However you cannot starve forever i started to binge around my GCSE's to cope with the stress which then led me to bulimia.
Ofc there is alot more to it than this; i was petrified of food, weak, my hair had fallen out but i was in my eyes still FAT.
My life went on with binging which lead to relationship break-ups and one big thing in my life; Rochford Mental Hospital, Willow Ward.
On the 16th February, 2011 i was put in hospital i lost all control and want to end my life with everything going on my then boyfriend ended it on the phone, which i now see was the best thing that ever happened to me but i wont bore you with that.
Now, On the 20th February, 2012 im not where near recovered and at 5 stone 11 i want this hell to either go or i will.
